It was you.
It was me.
Sitting alone on a mountain of gold.
Sunflowers bursting and blooming against the moon.
The dust fell upon my eyes.
I turned to look at your face.
I could not see it.
You pointed up at the sky.
The shards were falling down.
Covering your head
you turned to me.
“Can you hear it?”
Honestly, I am confused on what to say to anyone. It’s really none of anyone’s business, but sometimes I just want to be proud.
I’m too gay to be straight, but I’m too straight to be gay.
I wouldn’t be surprised if I end up with a man turned woman, or reversed.
I don’t want to be considered Bisexual. I just don’t like it. I guess because of the sudden surge of dumb little high school girls who make-out with their best friend just to get into some guys pants. Considering themselves, bisexuals.
I am lost with who I am, and I probably won’t find myself anytime soon.
One day, I will leave, travel, stop talking to everyone I know, break promises, do something meaningful, stop regretting.
I will find myself.
- Ego: Why are you still awake at this hour?
- Me: I don't know.
- Ego: Come on, you have to know.
- Me: Well because.. I was thinking of space. I was thinking of how far apart the stars are from us and from each other. And I imagine they would be burning hot.. or maybe even colder than ice cold. You know.. that weird cold burning sensation? Maybe that. And we are just one insignificant speck of dust floating through space. We rely on numbers and time while everything else just lives, or rather floats in space without the human activity. Not a worry, not a care. But then again, maybe they do care. Maybe they don't make such a deal about it. But from what I believe, they don't care about the same things we do. We forget about ourselves. We forget that we live on such a beautiful speck of dust. We destroy it.. and even I contribute to its destruction.
- Ego: How does this make you feel?
- Me: I'm not quite sure. But..
- Ego: ..but what?
- Me: This chaos that we create is so destructive.. but it's a beautiful thing.
- Ego: How is it beautiful?
- Me: Because, it only lies in us. We do not know any other contributions that lead to the destruction but ourselves. It's like a painting of analogous colors that is splattered with black ink. Slowly but surely, it destroys the painting. I'm not saying it comes out beautiful, but they somehow in the end.. it begins to form a new work of art..
- Ego: Makes sense.
- Me: You're only saying that because you're me.
But I fear that I will run away.
I fear that I will never love you forever.
I fear that I will break your heart.
That’s why I’ll never give it a chance.
Today has been a somewhat lazy and unproductive day. It’s just one of those days where I have absolutely no motivation to do anything besides think. Is this normal? I’m not quite sure, but because of this, I started zooming through many memories in my head about conversations in which we ask “is it normal to do that?”.
I ended up thinking about this all day and remembered a conversation with one of my closest friends about her rolling around on the floor making weird noises and wanting to scream as a child. She told me that her dad seemed upset about it so she stopped doing that. Then she asked me, is that normal? I’m not sure what I replied with at that moment but today I actually took some time and though about it.
I thought to myself, “Is it normal to do that?” I went downstairs to my parents room and told my mom the situation and ask her if it was normal.
She thought about and said, “Yeah, I’m pretty sure it’s normal. When you’re a kid you just do things without really thinking about them. It’s just a urge you want to do.”
Then I asked, “What about throwing a tantrum without wanting anything or whatever?”
She replied, “Yeah, it’s normal.”
And now I’m thinking, what if an adult were to do the same? Would it still be considered normal?
We’re so sucked into this mind game were certain things are not “appropriate” to do. We have to act like everyone else in order to “succeed” in life.. in order to “accepted.”
But then again.. what about those who are not considered “normal”? (Examples: Jeffree Star, Amy Winehouse, Lady Gaga, etc.)
They have gone to the point of being able to do what they want without being shunned from the world. They’ve gotten more attention than our own president for doing things that no one would even think of doing.
If they were to throw a tantrum on the floor like a child, how would people react? Would their fans be disappointed and disprove of it? Or would they fall more in love with them and try to mimic them?
Basically this was just a stream of thought. I have no idea where I’m going with this and I’m not quite sure if any of this makes sense.